Why You Shouldn’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

By Barby Ingle, PNN Columnist

We all have lives to lead and sometimes we must focus on ourselves before we can help others. There's nothing wrong with that.

But what if your health (or lack thereof) prevents you from accomplishing something good for yourself and others? What can we do to become more independent and productive while living with a chronic pain condition or disease? 

Here are three things to consider:

1. Social isolation is not healthy

2. Independence can be healthy

3. It's okay to ask for help  

One of the people in my life is the most independent person I know. “Em” only asks for help when she needs it, but often fails to recognize when the need arises. If Em asked for help more often, things might have gone differently in her life and been much easier.

I've been thinking about this recently. I've been balancing my need for independence as a person in pain with my desire to be more open with people. We all want to feel more independent from our caregivers, family and friends. But we also want to stay connected. Seeing some of the challenges in Em’s life reminds me to ask for help more often.

In my books and columns, I have freely shared my life experiences, tips, tools and resources to help others. That helps me feel open and transparent, but it's usually about things I have been through and already found solutions for. When faced with a new challenge, I recognize that I isolate more than I should.

Like my friend Em, I need to find more ways to connect and ask for help when needed. We all need support from others, even if it's just someone listening or offering advice on handling a situation.

When I’ve asked for help, it didn't always go how I envisioned. I may have asked the wrong person for support or had expectations I put on that person that they could not live up to. I had to learn to be okay with the service they offered, rather than be upset and sad when they could not provide what I expected.

The more I learned about their strengths and what they could do, the better I felt asking for their assistance. Asking for help shows that I trust them enough to let them into my world. When you ask for help, you are not weak. You are human.

Asking is not always easy. You have to stop pretending that you can handle everything yourself and that everything is fine. You need to accept the support of your friends and family without feeling like you’re burdening them or making them feel bad about themselves. Asking shows them how much they mean to you.

Here is an excellent example of a recent conversation I had with Em about a friend who wanted to be more social and live life more fully. Em recognized her own limitations. 

"She asked me to meet with her more regularly. Saying she needs people in her life at this difficult time. I am unable to 'be there' for people. I am okay with hanging out occasionally, but I barely have the energy to do basic things each day," Em told me.

My response to Em was this:

"I get it. Explain that you are a chronically ill patient and enjoy connecting when you are up to it, but physically hanging out or texting, talking and engaging cognitively takes a toll on your energy and health. You understand her desire to remain social and the life challenges it takes to follow through. You do best by text, when you have the flexibility and health to answer. You understand her need to be flexible too. She will be in your prayers. Tell her not to be upset if you have to turn down an invite. It doesn't mean you don't want to connect, just that you will participate when you can." 

We must learn how to manage our emotions better so that they don't rule our lives. That means taking a step back so that we don't make decisions while in the middle of a panic attack or depressive episode. And sometimes we just need to hear the answer and decide what to do with it.

Asking for help is complex and we won’t always get what we want. At the same time, we have to step out of our discomfort to make social connections, take down our protective walls, and connect with humanity. Being your best advocate, having others in your life, and maintaining boundaries will help you live life to the fullest. 

Barby Ingle is a reality TV personality living with multiple rare and chronic diseases. She is a chronic pain educator, patient advocate, motivational speaker, and best-selling author on pain topics. Barby has received over 25 awards for her advocacy efforts. You can follow her at www.barbyingle.com.   

How to Recover From a Painful Breakup Caused by Chronic Illness

By Ann Marie Gaudon, PNN Columnist

What no one talks about. Getting “dumped” because you have chronic pain or illness. Let’s talk.

There’s no denying the unbearable emotional pain if someone you love decides they’ve had enough. The reality is that people can be cruel, including people that you never thought had it in them. Here’s a few zingers I’ve been made aware of:

“You’re always in pain and I’m sick of it!”

“I never signed up for this sh*t!”

 “I’m so done looking after you!”

Sound harsh? It is, and it happens. While the breakup might be blindsiding, the reality is that the partner has likely been emotionally disengaged for some time. By the time they say those words, they are essentially over the relationship. However, for the person hearing them, they are likely in the initial stages of grief.

If you’ve seen messy breakups in the movies, you might think the answer is fuzzy pajamas and a litre of chocolate chunk ice cream. This will take more than a visit with Bridget Jones.

MRI brain scans have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same brain mechanisms that get activated when someone suffering from substance abuse goes through withdrawal. That is powerful pain. This would explain why we can obsess over ex-partners and crave them as if they were a drug we've been deprived of.

How to help yourself? Ensure the thoughts you have about your ex are realistic and balanced. If your memory consistently goes to that “best night of your life,” remember all the other nights that were upsetting to you. If you are consistently longing for their loving embrace, remember the nights that your advances were rejected.

What Went Wrong?

If you’re really struggling to get a grip on the reality of the relationship, write a list of all the reasons that it went south. You will see that it wasn’t 100% due to your pained body.

The point is to take a wider look and get a better perspective on the entire relationship. While you are emotionally depleted, your focus will tend to be narrow and unrealistic.

Accept explanations that fit the facts -- such as they were unwilling to make a commitment or they were not the person you thought they were. Avoid creating a harsh inner critic about why the breakup happened and see the relationship for what it was. Make a list of compromises that you made in this relationship that you would rather not make next time. What did you learn about yourself? Can you grow from this?

Do not check on your ex through social media. This will make it harder for you to stop fantasizing about your relationship and spending your time marinating in self-pity while imagining your ex out there living their best life sans you. Remove reminders of your ex such as photos, emails, or messages which will only add to your distress.   

Take control of your behaviour. Do things that used to bring you joy, even if they don’t at the moment. Continuing to engage is a very important way to tell yourself that life does go on. 

Reach out to friends, family or other loved ones to gather all the support you need. We all know what breakups are like and we all have our own words of wisdom to offer.

If your grief is not lessening with time, reach out to a therapist. A trusted therapeutic relationship can help you find your voice to express your grief in a healthy, healing way. A skilled therapist can also help you to develop new social relationships and a sense of self-worth to help decrease isolation and pain-related depression.

Ann Marie Gaudon is a registered social worker and psychotherapist in the Waterloo region of Ontario, Canada with a specialty in chronic pain management.  She has been a chronic pain patient for over 30 years and works part-time as her health allows. For more information about Ann Marie's counseling services, visit her website.