A Pained Life: My Fantasy Trip to Nowhere

By Carol Levy

I'm watching TV. An ad comes on for a cruise to a tropical port. It looks so inviting.

At the store I overhear someone describing the “wonderful” trip they recently took to Europe, touring Paris and dining in a real Italian trattoria. Their joy in describing the trip is hard to miss.

For a minute, even two, my mind churns out fantasies of going on a trip of my own. Maybe a safari in Africa or a trip to France to see the Eiffel Tower and eat real French pastry. 

For a moment, my mind flies with the excitement of it, before crashing back to earth

In my mind I can take those trips. Because in my mind, in my fantasies and dreams, I have no pain. I'm just a regular normal person. Then the facts come rushing in, slamming me. What? You’re going to leave the pain behind?

I don't have this fantasy much anymore, after all these decades of living with pain. But, once in a while, I see myself without pain. I'm out in the world. I have a job again, making friends and socializing.

For a fleeting second, I even see myself -- not the old lady I am now -- but 26 again, before the pain started and ripped away any chance of being “normal.”

Then the final slap in the face: You're 72. Twenty-six is long gone, never to return.

So many articles are written abbot how to cope with pain without drugs: meditation, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques. They may work for some of us. And it's great when they do. But they don't work for me because my trigeminal neuralgia pain is not in my body, it’s only in my face.

It's frustrating when I read these articles, many in medical journals or on medical websites, because invariably they don't have relevance for many of us. The advice telling us to exercise more and to not “give in” to the pain, but to do what hurts in order to help our bodies realize we can move more and do more.

That doesn't help for cranial neuralgias, many of the people with CRPS, or the pain associated with lupus, multiple sclerosis and arachnoiditis. The suggestions are as frustrating to me as the ridiculous idea that I can go on a ship or a safari.

I want the pain to go away. I want to be a “normal” person who can do pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want. Even go on a trip. The pain always tells me: No, ain't gonna happen.

I keep waiting for the articles and doctors to finally say, “Here's what we can do to minimize your pain.” Stopping it entirely may be a step too far to hope for.

But please, medical community, stop with the cliches, especially ones that imply it is my fault that I have chronic pain. If I could exercise or think it away, I surely would.

Carol Jay Levy has lived with trigeminal neuralgia, a chronic facial pain disorder, for over 30 years. She is the author of “A Pained Life, A Chronic Pain Journey.”  Carol is the moderator of the Facebook support group “Women in Pain Awareness.” Her blog “The Pained Life” can be found here.