Emotional Awareness: How I Learned to Connect with Life and Disconnect from Pain

By Dr. David Hanscom, PNN Columnist

Last month I wrote about the importance of environmental awareness – being aware of your moods, anxiety and other senses and learning how to calm them through active meditation.

In this column we’ll look at emotional awareness – living a life full of rich relationships and satisfying endeavors. You must understand the nature of someone else’s emotional needs before you can interact with them in a meaningful way.

In the presence of chronic pain however, this is a problem. When you are in pain, you are justifiably angry, which can block emotional awareness. You are just trying to survive and don’t have the capacity or energy to reach out to others.

Another problem with pain-induced anger is that it not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. You are so used to being in this agitated state that you feel it is the norm.

I am quite aware of this scenario, as this was my experience. I was constantly agitated, but did not perceive it as anger. I thought I could hear what others were saying and see issues through their eyes. I was idealistic and thought I was right – but was so wrong.

It wasn’t until I had every layer stripped away in the midst of suffering from severe chronic pain, that I could see the problem. Meanwhile, I lost my marriage.

Self-Discovery

The problem with becoming emotionally aware is that you have to allow yourself to feel unpleasant emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, vulnerability, shame and so on. If you don’t allow yourself to feel the dark side of life (which is core to the human experience), then you won’t be able experience deep joy, happiness and love.

My strategy for most of my life was to suppress all negativity and keep my emotions on an even keel. One of my nicknames was “The Brick.” At the time, I thought it was a compliment because it meant I was tough.

It all worked until it didn’t. At age 37, I began to experience severe anxiety in the form of panic attacks. They came out of the blue and I had no idea what had hit me. I didn’t emerge from this hole for another 13 years.

Unless you actively choose a journey of self-discovery, you can’t connect with your true emotional state. You must commit to stepping outside of your mind and looking at yourself from a different perspective.

Ask yourself these questions: Am I open? Am I coachable? Can I really listen and feel?

That is a starting point. Once you get in touch with what’s going on in your mind, you can embark on a powerful journey. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is a learned skill with many ways of accomplishing it. You will fail endlessly, but the key is remaining open and persistent.

Many people choose not to take this journey. But they make that choice at their own peril. It is what you’re not aware of that will run your life. The result may be a lot of physical and emotional suffering for the individual and especially for those close to him or her.

Why don’t more people pursue a path of self-discovery? It may be because in our culture most of us spend a lot of emotional energy trying to look good to people around us. We also try to look good to ourselves.  

Truly connecting with your emotions is an act of humility. Most people don’t want to do something so difficult and unpleasant. However, it’s also extremely rewarding and makes life so much easier in the end. It was the beginning of my recovery from my own chronic pain.

Dr. David Hanscom is a retired spinal surgeon. In his latest book -- “Do You Really Need Spine Surgery?” – Hanscom explains why most spine operations are unnecessary and usually the result of age-related conditions that can be addressed through physical therapy and other non-surgical methods.