Why Being ‘Strong Enough’ Isn’t Good Enough

By Mia Maysack, PNN Columnist

"It takes so much to be able to get this treatment for myself," I told the nurse, as I was being hooked up for a life-giving infusion.

After answering an inquiry about my arm preference for "a poke," we laugh about needle sticks being the least of my worries, because I am covered in tattoos -- pain I had the privilege of choosing.

A moment of comfortable silence passed and then I proceeded to express my gratitude for being there in that moment. And for still being here on this planet, period.

"You're just so positive! Wow, what amazing energy you have!" the nurse told me.

Me to Me: “I barely made it here today.”

The moments when I feel unable to go on are plentiful. I'm still unsure how to live this life, but as the saying goes, I am "strong enough" and “tough enough” to endure. 

I don't know about that…

I've decided it's perfectly okay to have moments when I'm absolutely not strong enough. Strength of will isn't measurable. Neither is the resilient fortitude that continually gets tested on a daily basis when you have unmanaged and permanent pain.

Me to Her: "Thank you. That’s very kind. There are no words to express how hard I try."

I close my eyes as I feel the tears ascending. I breathe deeply and reflect on a reason, any reason, every reason, to smile.

The first thing I'd tell anybody about “being positive” is that it’s not where strength comes from.  It sounds ideal to seek out bright sides, silver linings and rainbows, but positivity can also be inauthentic and inadequate. At least it has been in my experience.

There’s a difference between pushing through pain, as opposed to masking it. The “fake it until we make it” mentality only takes us so far, and doesn’t actually work when it comes to dealing with pain.

Pain of any kind, I’ve come to believe, is a message that something needs addressing. It’s the body’s way of communicating. Many different issues can arise as a result of this, especially when pain is untreated or its fundamental causes and symptoms are overlooked. Pain will then intensify and worsen, leading to a severely diminished or low quality of life, if not the ultimate decision to put an end to it.

I've had enough years when my ailments would throw occasional tantrums and demand my attention. But that did not change the pain’s existence or ease the constant requirements for attending to it.

I’ve learned that approaching things with a mind-frame of coexistence, as opposed to constantly battling them, works better. There’s less emotion and mental torment, if nothing else. That right there can make a major and empowering shift.

Another thing I’ve decided is that since this is the hand I’ve been dealt, I’m going to play it as absolutely best I can, with a ferocity to make the most of each moment to whatever extent that may be possible. Sometimes this means doing what would appear to be nothing, when in actuality things are healing and restoring.

This realization also means accepting that the pain is going to exist anyway. And things are going to hurt anyway. I no longer reflect upon that as a reason to be strong, but rather as an excuse for celebrating each small victory.  

It takes everything within me to continue existing from one day into another. To function in a meaningful way and contribute somehow to our world.  My life is not as painless as it looks. You may see me living, but miss what it takes for me to live.

Mia Maysack lives with chronic migraine, cluster headache and fibromyalgia. She is the founder of Keepin’ Our Heads Up, a Facebook advocacy and support group, and Peace & Love, a wellness and life coaching practice for the chronically ill.