A Pained Life: Me and My Shadow

By Carol Levy, PNN Columnist

Pain shadows a lot of life's experiences. If I'm pregnant, at some point I'll think about childbirth – and the horrendous pain of labor. But to torture a musical metaphor, at the end of the shadow, the sun will come out tomorrow. At the end of labor, the pain stops, and the happiness of a newborn baby is the result.

If I'm going to have surgery, I may think about the pain that comes after surgery and during recuperation. But I can also be buoyed by the knowledge that at the end of my recovery, the pain of what brought me to a surgeon in the first place and the pain of getting over the operation will be gone.

When I have an appointment with a dentist, just thinking about the appointment is painful for me. The visit means triggering my trigeminal neuralgia facial pain as soon as they ask me to “open wide.”

There will be no sun, just shadows. The appointment will end, but the pain that was triggered will last for hours. I can’t run away from it.

Another dental appointment will have to be made, hopefully later rather than sooner, and I will be forced to invite the pain back again.

Is the pain awful when it is triggered or is it the fear of it being triggered that sets it off? Some doctors will say it is psychological and that fear is causing the pain, not the actual actions that trigger it.

Is this true? Sometimes I like to think it is. After all, if it is fear, then I can try and work on it in my mind, to release myself from its prison. If it is the pain, and when or how they will set it off, I cannot talk myself out of it.

There is no way to negate the reality of the pain or its triggers. The sun does not come out for us and the shadow of fear is not a metaphor. Pain is our reality. The fear of setting it off can be as dark as the pain itself.

That’s something that we and our doctors, colleagues, family and friends need to understand and accept as the truth of our life experience. And the reason we are often unable to participate in life.

Carol Jay Levy has lived with trigeminal neuralgia, a chronic facial pain disorder, for over 30 years. She is the author of “A Pained Life, A Chronic Pain Journey.”  Carol is the moderator of the Facebook support group “Women in Pain Awareness.” Her blog “The Pained Life” can be found here.