By Victoria Reed, PNN Columnist

People with chronic pain are often engaged in a battle with their own bodies. Unfortunately, sometimes we also struggle to be believed and supported by family members, friends and doctors. While some may be fortunate to have a supportive spouse or significant other, many pain sufferers lose their life partners along the way, as well as friends.

Pain can take a toll on our relationships. In my own experience, a good friend slowly faded into the background during a particularly difficult time when I was having numerous flares from rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. The flares cause debilitating fatigue and severe pain. I would often need to cancel plans and never could (and still can’t) predict which day I would wake up feeling awful.

Sometimes when I did not cancel plans, I would end up being miserable the entire time and would regret my decision. Eventually, the invitations and phone calls dwindled, as I was probably considered unreliable.

During that time, I would go for weeks struggling to function and keep going for the sake of my family and young children. But life doesn’t stop when you have a chronic illness. Homework still has to get done, as well as housework, financial matters and shuttling the kids to and from school and to sporting events.

One time, as I was driving my daughter home from gymnastics practice, I was so tired that my car ended up nose to nose with another car in a turning lane! I just barely missed having a head-on collision! Fortunately, the woman I almost hit wasn’t angry, but was actually concerned and asked if I was okay. The experience was frightening because I’d put my child in danger by driving when I was so fatigued.

It was then that I realized how serious my fatigue was and worried about the effect it was having on my relationships and family. Unless you actually experience this kind of fatigue, it can be hard to really understand it.

Additionally, my husband (at the time) was having trouble coping with my illnesses. We had been married for 18 years when we decided to divorce. I obviously wasn’t the same person that I was in the beginning and couldn’t contribute an equal share in the relationship.

The truth of the matter is that chronic pain is hard on everyone. It takes its toll not only on those physically suffering, but on spouses and significant others as well. Some make it known that it’s not working, while others quietly build resentment until they can no longer stay in the relationship. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it’s “I want a divorce” or “I’m leaving” or “I can’t do this anymore.”

Perhaps they are overwhelmed by increased household chores and responsibilities or feel neglected in some way. Or maybe they fall out of love because you are not the person they married or agreed to be with. Perhaps they are stressed because of the additional financial burden resulting from your lack of income. Perhaps they don’t believe in your illness or think that you are faking your symptoms.

I certainly don’t have all the answers, but you must then pick up the pieces, move on and try to create a new life for yourself. If you have kids, you may have guilt about having an illness or believe that you are the cause of your family’s dismantling. 

Having chronic pain is like having a third person in the relationship. That “person” demands constant attention and spends many hours trying to get between the two of you, taking time away from you and your loved one.

However, if you are lucky enough to have that special someone who is capable and willing to deal with your chronic illness and truly understands and accepts, it might not mean the end of your relationship. Many people do stick with and endure the challenges of having an ill partner. It takes a very special person to be able to do that.

It’s good to have a few good friends who are supportive and understanding, rather than a bunch of people who say they are friends, but never step up to the plate. I’ve learned that family members who can’t be supportive have no place in my life. I believe it’s important to surround myself with positive people. Negative people can be emotionally draining and almost always are takers, rather than givers.

Those of us who have been abandoned must move on for our own emotional and physical well-being. As awful as it might seem at the time, it gives us the opportunity to meet new people who are able to give the love, support and compassion that we deserve.

Victoria Reed lives in Cleveland, Ohio. She suffers from endometriosis, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease and rheumatoid arthritis.